I found your site and I’m really glad I did. This is my husband’s second affair. We have been married almost 15 years and the first affair happened seven years ago and this last affair happened a month ago. Needless to say I am devastated once again. The problem I’m having is my husband says that he has never felt a chemistry between the two of us; not the sexual chemistry. We have never had any problems in that area. The kind of chemistry he is talking about is a deep emotional connection. I feel like I can move through the affair, but how do I do that when he says that he never has had that kind of connection with me. He says he loves me and is committed to working this out, but I don’t know how to respond to this bigger problem of if he has never felt that for me, will he in two, five, ten years go looking for that connection again? Is there any hope for us? I'm very sad.
Yes, there's tons of hope for you and your husband. One of the biggest mistakes we make in our culture today is believing that having that deep emotional connection in marriage is about mystically being one of the lucky ones who found our "soul mate." (Gag! I've grown to hate that phrase, because it is the most often used term given as a reason to abandon ones family and wedding vows, and a year later they always discover it wasn't there "soul mate" after all.) The common denominator in both unhappy marriages is the person that left their first marriage.
Having that deep down passion in marriage (which my husband and I very much share), that deep soul, passionately in love connection, where you connect in all 3 realms, physical, emotional and spiritual is about:
1. your decision
2. your commitment
3. the work you BOTH are willing to put in
4. learning the skills (interestingly enough, most people don't think twice about getting educated for their vocation, but assume the skills for the one thing that will bring them more happiness than anything else in life (marriage) they should just know.)
5. Learning to be totally open and honest, and how to encourage this openness and honesty in our spouse instead of what most couples do without realizing it - train each other to lie to each other and be closed, by punishing them for being truthful (which we do by getting depressed and telling them how bad they are for having that feeling or thought).
When we make a decision to love each other (love is an action), our feelings follow. If your husband had put the same energy into your marriage as he put into his affairs, he would’ve had the same deep connection feeling for you instead, that’s the part he doesn’t see or understand yet, but he will in time.
Frankly, I don’t believe much of what people say when they’re just coming out of an affair anyway. My husband said so many messed up mean things during that time, and this is consistent with most couples we help through healing their marriages after affairs. When a person gets caught up in an affair there is an actual chemical release in the brain that impairs their judgment as if they’re intoxicated. See my article:
Are the Unfaithful Impaired
Yes, if your husband is committed and puts in the work and is willing to learn the skills to make marriage work, he will feel very deeply connected to you in the future, and he will want to throw up when he thinks of his affair.
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