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Not
Alone
Dear Fellow Affair Survivors,
Last night was quite different than all the other
meetings that we have had, simply due to the group being so much
larger. We were glad to have a number of men present (30%), and
it is interesting to see that the feelings one goes through are
the same regardless of gender. All in all, what a beautiful group
of people! What beautiful hearts! And it confirms to me that this
has not happened to us, because we weren’t good enough. None of
us deserve what has happened to us. Although all of us could probably
have been better spouses in some way (as can every other married
person existing on the planet), we are not to blame, the one who
made a choice to have an affair is.
With so many people being new to the group, we
spent the evening sharing our stories. We all agreed that discovering
a spouse’s betrayal is much more painful than if they had actually
died. This is confirmed by one of our members who lost her first
husband to death. At the time she was sure that was the most painful
thing she would ever have to go through. However, after almost 30
years in her second marriage for her husband to now after all these
years turn around and say “I don’t love you any more,” she confirms
betrayal is far more painful than death. It’s the thought of knowing
they made a conscious choice to hurt us. (Of course the reality
is that they didn’t make a conscious choice to hurt us – they made
a conscious choice to act selfishly, not thinking about how they
were hurting us.) In fact, I would question whether those who have
affairs are thinking at all. I have found rational reasoning returns
to them slowly a month or two after ALL ties with the 3rd party have been severed. If these ties are not broken, I’m not sure
that they do come around.
One commonality I noticed last night was how
many of us were losing so much more than the trust of the spouse
we loved. Two of the men present had lost their credibility and
business or profession as a result of their spouse’s affair. It
is so unfair. Others have lost friendships (like with a close friend
who is the one their spouse had the affair with), many of us have
lost family in essence as well, because they do not support our
decision sometimes to ‘end’ the relationship, or sometimes because
it is the spouses family who have also been our family sometimes
for 25 – 30 years, if the marriage has been long term. After all
this time, we have grown to love these people and the cold shoulder
they turn towards us is just another loss.
I think one of the biggest things we all got
out of last night is just to realize after hearing so many share
that - no, we are not going crazy, neither are we stupid. What we
are feeling is normal considering what we are going through, and
we are not alone.
Everyone did a good job of respecting individual
choices. It seemed that about half of us were still in our marriages
and half of us were separated or divorced. Of the latter category,
many of those would have liked to have reconciled the relationship,
but found it impossible because the spouse was unwilling or unwilling
to do their part in changing. It is however a good idea to put effort
into rebuilding for a year or two. Many times the relationship can
be salvaged and even become much stronger on the other side. If
not, then at least one doesn’t need to live forever with all the
“what if’s”. What if I had tried to work it out?
At the end I shared how I have discovered through
my research that the way to healing is through reading, through
discussing our situation (talking about it rather than burying it
under a rug so to speak) and in some cases through counseling provided
one finds a good counselor (they are not all the same). It takes
time. We all have a painful reality to live with and it cannot be
changed, but we can have happy lives on the other side. Many times
healing can also be enhanced by helping others who must walk through
similar pain, when we are able to do so.
Next week we will discuss how do we get passed
the constant sadness we feel. If we have time we may also discuss
how to deal with our anger. A lot of us are REALLY MAD, and justifiably
so, but how do we handle our anger in a responsible way?
Sincerely – Anne
If
you would like to share a success story, helpful insight or comment
on this article we welcome your remarks. Email your questions or
comments to Brian and/or Anne info@beyondaffairs.com
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