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Best Books For Dealing With An Affair - Improving Your Life - Improving Your Marriage
"I believe in you and your ability to think for yourself. One of the biggest keys to healing from affairs is educating yourself about affairs. Knowledge is power. The more you understand the more healed you’ll be. As you read take what works for you and disregard the rest. This is your healing journey." - Anne Bercht
Books appearing on this list are highly recommended by members of BAN - Beyond Affairs Network and/or others who have personally recovered from infidelity.
Just click on any title below and you will get straight to that books page on Amazon!
Top 10 Books for Dealing with Affairs, Cheating and/or any form of Infidelity
My Husband's Affair BECAME the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
This is my all time favorite "How to Recover from Affairs" book, based on Shirley's more than 30 years of experience working with couples dealing with an affair.
Love Must Be Tough : New Hope for Families in Crisis
This is the best book I’ve seen that shows you how to get your spouse to break ties with the 3rd party.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald
A must-read for the spouse who acted unfaithfully. The cliff notes to understanding your spouse and how to help them heal. If you follow the advice in this book, you will save yourself a tremendous amount of agony.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
This book is not just for couples dealing with codependency (and we are all a little bit codependent). It can help you find a proper balance between give and take in your relationship, and help you stop giving too much. We teach people how to treat us. If you are being treated badly learn what you might do to change your situation.
Love & Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs
One of the top 5 books that belongs in every couples library. The only book I read post affair, that I feel had I read it pre-affair, the affair may never have happened. Learn how to get off the crazy cycle of hurting each other.
Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy
We recommend this book to most people recovering from affairs. One of the hardest things is finding ways to deal with your negative, depressing and obsessive thoughts - whether you are the unfaithful or the betrayed.
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
Most of us place undo pressure on ourselves trying to please people. That's a no win game. This is a brilliant book that will help you find freedom and build your self-esteem.
The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu
This is one of the greatest books on understanding forgiveness written by two people who have personally experienced great pain, suffering and injustice.
Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn
This is a good book for the ending of your healing journey ... when a year or two have gone by since D-day, and you've done all that you can, and your tired of being sad, hurt and angry, and you're ready to get happy again.
Personal Stories of Healing From Affairs
My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me - Anne Bercht
Beyond Affairs - Peggy Vaughan
After seven years, James came clean and ended his affairs. James and Peggy wrote this book together providing about 50/50 insight into both sides. I read this book in one day. I couldn’t put it down. It provides profound insight into the mind of the betrayer, and the subtle deceptions that lead a man who believes this is wrong, to make it okay with himself.
Divorced after infidelity, and then remarried to each other.
Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women who have been Sexually Betrayed by Debra Laaser
A wonderful, helpful, insightful book for any betrayed wife, yet with a specific focus on dealing with a husband who struggles with a sexual addiction.
Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
Written by a Christian woman who had an affair. Excellent insight into understanding why people have affairs, and how to protect your marriage against future affairs.
Marriage Undercover: Thriving in a Culture of Quiet Desperation
Bob and Audrey were strong Christians with a television ministry when Audrey had an affair, and became pregnant from her affair partner. This is a powerful story of reconciliation. Some of the passages written by her husband Bob could’ve been written by me. This book is very Christian, so not a good choice for someone of a different faith or no faith.
How-to Guides for Recovering from Affairs
The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Dealing with Affairs
One of the best, most balanced, most practical books to inform you and help you to recover, written by someone who has lived through this. Author Peggy Vaughan was the original founder of BAN - Beyond Affairs Network
NOT "Just Friends" : Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
This is definitely one of the best books ever written on the topic. After years of research and personal work helping others recover, Shirley Glass remains one of the most highly esteemed experts on affairs.
The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity by Scott Haltzman, MD
This is my second favorite "how to survive infidelity" book. The balanced perspective makes this also a good one for the unfaithful partner. In addition to a lot of healing insight and perspective, Dr. Haltzman helps to define infidelity. Many couples get stuck arguing over whether "it" was an affair or not. That discussion is generally unproductive. Dr. Haltzman will help you move beyond the semantics to healing your relationship.
Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart
This is one of the most sound, sensible, helpful, balanced and complete guides to recovery for couples and individuals. If you could afford only one "how-to" resource, I recommend this one.
Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extramarital Affairs
Written by a pastor with 30 years of experience helping couples to recover from affairs. Also one of my top picks for recovery. This book offers practical recovery help to both spouses, and will help you whether you choose to stay in the marriage or not. Either way you need to heal.
Torn Asunder Workbook: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs
Also one of my top picks for recovery from affairs. The workbook is very good, and is an excellent option for couples who can’t afford counseling, seminars or prefer not to go that route. The questions will help you to understand each other and your marriage better and provide constructive discussion openers and practical exercises to help you both in your healing journey.
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
Infidelity: A Survival Guide by David Lusterman
This is a very sensible and helpful book on healing from infidelity based on Don-David Lusterman's years of experience as a therapist. It offers help for the person who has had the affair in helping them to know what do do to rebuild the marriage, as well as help for the betrayed spouse and perspective for family members and friends sincerely wishing to support a couple through healing.
Other Helpful Books for Recovering From Infidelity
Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Love Is A Choice : The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships
Love is a Choice Workbook : Recovery for codependent relationships (Minirth-Meier Clinic Series)
For anyone who wants to work on themselves, "Love is a Choice" and the "Love is a Choice Workbook" provide a map for personal growth. Through these books you can learn the adjustments you need to make to be happier and healthier in your relationships; friends, family and marriage. The thought-provoking questions are like having a good counselor in your back pocket. Although this book set deals with codependent relationships, not affairs specifically, the vast majority of couples are surprised to discover their codependent tendencies. Getting rid of them is very freeing.
Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts
The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going? by Dean C. Delis, PhD
The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way
Relationships & Marriage - Every book on this list is a great book!
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
This is a must-read for every married couple. I cried through much of this book, because it's the only book I've ever read, that I felt had I read it before my husband's affair, it may have contributed to preventing it in the first place. The truth this author has discovered is profound. The way he presents it makes it easy to grasp. A faith-based book.
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Steven Stosney
This book is another perspective on the same principle of "Love and Respect" as in the title above. However, this book is not faith-based, so a preferred option for non-faith couples. It's built on solid research. Very insightful. Understanding what he and she both fear the most will transform your relationship.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition
One of the top 5 marriage books that belongs in every couples library.
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
This is a great book on relationships - also one of the top 5 - only I think the author should rename it “His Needs, Her Needs: The ABC’s of relationships. (My personal opinion.) It is deceptive to believe that by perfectly meeting your spouses needs you can control your spouses behavior and prevent them from having an affair. In my experience, both personally and professionally, unmet needs in a marriage is not always the reason behind affairs, and believing so leaves the responsibility for the affair on the faithful spouse instead of with the unfaithful spouse where it belongs. I recommend this book highly. Just read it in context. I caution betrayed spouses from going into Super Need-Meeter mode to be sure an affair never happens again. This is neither a happy, nor fair, nor realistic way to live.
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Also one of the top 5 marriage books, which belongs in every couples library. Everyone should be aware of what their spouse's love languages are ... and during affair recovery, it would be a really smart idea if the unfaithful partner just poured on all 5, that is if their desire it to win their husband/wife's heart back.
A great, great book. A much more insightful and gripping read than the title suggests. By the title, I assumed it would be really religious, over simplifying the complexities of marriage into some self-sacrificing scriptures. This is not the case at all. It is the pathway to becoming a better human, and in so doing much happier, and much happier in your marriage.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Seven Desires: Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us by Mark & Debra Laaser
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman
Psychology
The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Kevin Leman
The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout
This book makes the claim that one in twenty-five people is a sociopath, and sociopaths often live among us appearing to be role model citizens. I've had more than my share of clients who came to realize the person they married was a sociopath or the person they had an affair with is a sociopath. Learn how to get free!
Sadness & Depression - Making Sense of Life's Unfair Circumstances
Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns
We recommend this book to most people recovering from affairs. One of the hardest things is finding ways to deal with your distorted, negative, depressing or obsessive thoughts.
Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind by Joyce Meyer
Shattered Dreams by Larry Crab
Healing for Damaged Emotions - David A. Seamands
A very helpful book, written from a Christian perspective.
When I Lay My Isaac Down: Unshakable Faith in Unthinkable Circumstances by Carol Kent
Being Happy! by Andrew Mathews
Happiness Now by Robert Holden
Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl
Based on sound research of more than 3000 people who have had near death experiences from all over the world, and varied religious backgrounds, including people who did not believe in God, find out the common denominators. What is on the other side of this earthly life? And when it all comes down to it, what really matters? I found this book incredibly encouraging in the aftermath of death and tragedy, and it helped me to focus my life on what will count for eternity. - Anne Bercht
Are You Walking on Eggshells in Your Marriage?
To find out if you are walking on eggshells and to what degree, you can take a quick and free assessment from Steven Stosney's excellent website compassionpower.com
Forgiveness
The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu
This is one of the greatest books on understanding forgiveness written by two people who have personally experienced great pain, suffering and injustice.
Forgive for Good by Dr. Fred Luskin
How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis Abram Springs
The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships
Help for Marriages in Crisis
Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michelle Weiner Davis
The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michelle Weiner Davis
The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman
Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner
Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field by Nathaniel Brandon
The Power of Self-Esteem: An Inspiring Look At Our Most Important Psychological Resource by Nathaniel Brandon
So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us by Beth Moore
For Men
Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series) by Arterburn & Stoeker
Wild at Heart Revised & Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul
Enemies of the Heart: Breaking Free from the Four Emotions That Control You
Coping with Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence and Enjoy Great Sex by Metz & McCarthy
Men's Sexual Health: Fitness for Satisfying Sex by Metz & McCarthy
The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell, PhD & John Gary, PhD. Warren Farrell & John Gray have identified a trend in our culture that is destroying our boys, who become our men, and by destroying our men, we are destroying our families. When one gender looses, the other gender looses also. For years the pendulum was out of balance favoring men, but the pendulum has swung the other way. This is not a problem for individual people. It has become a problem for all of us. It's a problem of our culture. Farrell & Gray present not only the problem, but also the solution. I believe everyone should read this book! - Anne Bercht
Sex
The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michelle Weiner Davis
The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnaarch
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
Sexual Addiction
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal
Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars - Marsha Means
This book is intended for women whose husbands struggle with pornography addictions.
Improving Communication & Understanding
The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage
If effective communication is a challenge in your marriage, this is a powerful and practical resource. Communication struggles that can seem so complex and insurmountable are clearly resolved. Author, Susan Heitler, PH.D. has done a sensational job of making something usually so hard to grasp, simple, easy and straight forward. I was astonished reading it. The principles my husband and I developed in healing our own marriage are here clearly laid out. If we had had this resource during our affair recovery time, our healing time would've been greatly expedited. Susan shows you how to disagree, agreeably. Remarkable job explaining what every couple needs to know about communication.
Why Aren't You More Like Me? Discover the Secrets to Understanding Yourself and Others by Ken Keis
Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Facing Divorce
Clean Break: How to Divorce with Dignity and Move On with Your Life
The One Minute Millionaire: The Enlightened Way to Wealth - Hansen
If you are facing divorce, and unprepared financially to manage, there is probably much more hope than you imagine. This book has helped many of my clients to begin to create an income, when doing so seemed impossible. A woman loses her husband, and her wealthy father-in-law sets out to have her children taken from her as well, saying she’s an unfit mother. He has money and power on his side. Find out how she beats him … and learn be inspired to start thinking outside the box too. There is hope yet!
Self-Improvement
The Road Less Traveled, Timeless Edition: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth by Scott Peck
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