Guide to Surviving Infidelity

People have no idea just how painful and difficult surviving infidelity really is, unless they have been there themselves. During the initial stages one seems to be literally teetering between life and death. This is not just a bad day or something you will 'just get over.' It is worse than death. It is living through your worst nightmare.

Recently I watched a documentary on television regarding 'The Unforgivable Sin.' I wondered what the "unforgivable sin" might be, according to Hollywood.

The program was about a man whose wife and child had been killed in a motor vehicle accident caused by the selfish, thoughtless, and negligent behavior of a teenager engaging himself in streetcar racing. I thought to myself, how much more devastated would that man have been to find out it had not been a stranger who had caused his pain, but rather his own wife who had secretly gone out and given away the most intimate part of their marriage and then had proceeded to lie to and deceive him regarding this betrayal for who knows how long.

I admit the redeeming factor regarding infidelity is that people don't usually die physically. (They certainly may do so emotionally.) Therefore there is hope of rebuilding life on the other side of infidelity, whereas this man will never see his wife and child on this earth again.

Imagine a smooth glassy lake on a beautiful sunshiny day. Then imagine that someone manages to drop a gigantic bolder right into the middle of the lake from a considerable height. Kersplash!!! Peace now destroyed, the water splashes up out of the lake and back down creating waves, one after another, getting bigger and bigger until even the outer edges of the lake have felt the effect of the giant boulder. This is the way that it is with surviving infidelity.

Chaos, where there once was beauty and calm. Sure, in some marriages there were problems before an affair, but affairs happen in good marriages too. However, unlike many other wrongs human beings are capable of committing, marital infidelity creates far-reaching consequences of pain and destruction. It doesn't just hurt the person who has been betrayed, it hurts children, friends and family members.

People who are surviving infidelity begin scapegoating. That is, they take out their anger, frustration and pain on others who have nothing to do with it. Then there are those left to cope with STDs including one woman in our group who saving herself for marriage, was a virgin on her wedding day. Her reward, the pain of venereal disease, a wedding gift from the man she saved herself for.

What about pregnancy? What about the children who grow up feeling that they don't really belong, because they are the product of an affair? They are also surviving infidelity.

In the initial stages of surviving infidelity it is very difficult to cope. We go into shock, sometimes anger, we can't think straight. Some of us behave like obsessive neurotics, doing all we can to win back our spouse (as if it were our fault in the first place).

Survival is an appropriate word because that is exactly what we are doing, surviving one moment at a time. Most of us reported the inability to eat or sleep and significant weight loss. We were unable to cope with our regular jobs. One woman reported being on the edge of an emotional break down. Another remembered having to go to her job, only to find herself racing out of an important meeting to vomit, and then returning, attempting to appear somewhat composed. Embarrassed, ashamed and not free to share the truth, she commented to those concerned, "I must have gotten food poisoning."

We must live through surviving infidelity. We have no choice, but how? How can we go about the overwhelming task of surviving infidelity? One day at a time? No, even that is too much.

When I was going through it I survived only one moment at a time.

Ten Strategies for Surviving Infidelity

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #1: Treat Yourself

Buy yourself a new outfit. If ever there was a time when you deserved a comfort purchase it is now, when you’re surviving infidelity. Buy yourself flowers too. You need to be reminded in the midst of your blackest hour, even though your whole world has become ugly and dark, that there still is beauty in the world. It doesn’t feel like it today, but there is actually still hope for your future. Visit a tanning salon, a short treatment in the soothing light is good for your mood. Doctors often recommend tanning to patients struggling with depression. Make an appointment to treat yourself to a luxury service at your local spa. This will give you something to look forward to. You may also want to consider getting your hair done. Treat yourself, today! You deserve it. You need all the mood help you can get. A nice walk in a park is not a bad idea either. Do things you normally enjoy doing, even though you don’t feel like it. Take vacations. If you have any possibility for getting away on a holiday, take it, even short holidays, or a long weekend perhaps. Do not underestimate the value of mini-vacations one can take in the midst of even a very busy day, like stopping to smell a bouquet of roses, to pet a dog, to have coffee with a friend or to laugh at a good joke. Word of caution: When I say treat yourself, I don’t mean junk food. You probably won’t be able to eat today, but in case you are, eating foods that are bad for you will only make you feel worse as soon as their temporary high wears off. If you struggle with weight issues, comfort food eating is going to increase not decrease your feelings of despair and depression. Treat yourself in healthy ways.

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #2: Take Care of Your Health

Prioritize basic self-care, including sleep, nutrition, and light exercise, to aid your recovery from the emotional shock after infidelity. You may not feel like eating, but your body needs to have basic nutritional requirements met, now more than ever, because you are going to be making important decisions that are going to have a huge impact on your future. Don’t try to make these important decisions while you are starving yourself. If you can’t eat, then drink a quality meal replacement beverage and take some good nutritional supplements. It is also important to schedule an STI test after discovering infidelity to manage any potential health risks.

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #3: Nurture Your Spirit

I recommend some time in spiritual reading and in quiet, meditation and prayer after infidelity. (Well, maybe not so quiet. Screaming at God could also be helpful. If I remember correctly, I often prayed loudly during this time!)

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #4: Don’t Make Final Decisions While in a State of Emotional Trauma

Do not make a life-altering decision while you are in the initial stages of surviving infidelity, still in a state of emotional trauma and shock. Experts recommend waiting at least 30 days before making any permanent life decisions about your marriage after infidelity. Many couples that do survive infidelity and stay together report that they purposely avoided making any major relationship decisions during the highly emotional periods of the infidelity recovery process. Even though it may feel as though there is no hope at all for your relationship, there may still be hope. Even though your spouse has done this awful thing, it is possible that he/she still loves you very much and perhaps you still love your spouse as well. You can leave your relationship if you want, no one will blame you, you have every right to do so, but I recommend you give yourself time before you create absolute finality.

Before confronting your spouse, gather all the facts to avoid unwarranted conclusions or accusations. Choose a private meeting place for the confrontation to avoid interruptions. Set a deadline for your spouse to make a decision about the affair so you are not left waiting indefinitely. Ask pointed questions during the confrontation to clarify your spouse’s intentions regarding the affair, but avoid asking for graphic details, as they can cause further trauma. The importance of full disclosure for closure cannot be overstated, but be cautious—limiting "detective work" is recommended to avoid digging for painful details that can lead to long-term ruminations after infidelity. Assess the emotional impact of the affair on both partners, and remember that forgiveness is a crucial step in moving forward, but it requires commitment. The emotional and behavioral extremes experienced during infidelity recovery are normal and to be expected. Infidelity can cause “post-infidelity stress disorder,” similar to PTSD, so be mindful of your mental health.

Demand accountability from the partner who had the affair to initiate healing, and establish clear safety rules, such as no contact with the affair partner and full transparency with phones and passwords. Establishing safety and boundaries, such as separate sleeping arrangements, is important immediately after infidelity is revealed. Coping with infidelity requires gathering all the facts about the situation before making decisions. It’s also important to understand the past, whether the affair was recent or ongoing, and verify if the relationship is still active. Emotional responses such as fear and sadness are normal and can cloud your judgment during this time.

Consider the impact of infidelity on your kids, and prioritize their well-being in your decision-making. The pivotal point when a spouse is caught can be a turning point for accountability and decision-making. It is common for betrayed partners to feel they no longer recognize their spouse after discovering infidelity.

You need honest answers to your questions, as the extent to which your partner answers is significantly associated with present marital status. Creating a coherent story about what happened helps process emotions and rebuild trust. Survivors of infidelity often report feeling consumed by the need to uncover the details of the affair, but limiting this can help healing. Sometimes, a co worker or external acquaintance can influence the situation, and a secret life fuels mistrust and prevents healing. If you are dealing with a wayward mate, consider strategies such as intervention, separation, or seeking professional help. Knowledge of one's triggers and emotional reactions can help manage the healing process.

Remember, as a wife, you have so much power to influence the healing process. Open communication (talk) and reflective listening (practice repeating back what was said) are vital. Couples are more likely to stay married after an affair when they thoroughly discuss the situation. Listening with compassion and attentiveness to your partner's pain is essential, be fully present, avoid defensiveness, and validate their feelings. Most people need to prepare what they want to say before confronting their spouse. Marriage counseling is a common step, but not always the only or best option; dealing with the root causes of infidelity is essential for effective resolution. You need to feel safe, and empathy and understanding are crucial for this. Infidelity Recovery Specialists can help guide you in these conversations. The unfaithful partner's responsibility to show empathy for the pain caused is vital, and apologizing repeatedly with deep remorseful emotion is necessary for rebuilding trust. Set realistic expectations (expect) for recovery and healing. Healing does not happen overnight and requires ongoing effort and patience. Family dynamics, such as having three kids, can influence the healing process. Couples need the help of an infidelity recovery specialist to understand how their triggers affect their arguments. Identify the key point or turning point in your reconciliation process. The unfaithful partner should put a complete break to the affair and have a hard conversation to ensure it is over. If you decide you can’t forgive or do not wish to continue the marriage, then you have your answer.

Forgiveness is a process, and the importance of the unfaithful partner taking responsibility for their actions and committing to stay faithful moving forward cannot be overstated. The healing process involves grief, which is a natural part of recovery and encompasses feelings of loss and sadness. Recognizing progress, such as reduced triggers and increased safety, indicates you are moving in the right direction. It is normal to wonder about the future of the relationship and question shared moral values after betrayal. Doing the wrong things during recovery can hinder healing, so be mindful of your actions.

Infidelity, or cheating, is often a painful experience for both partners, and many who have acted unfaithfully report they never intended to leave their partner, even if the relationship was emotionally disconnected. After the affair, the unfaithful partner often feels relief when the affair is finally out in the open, but they are also confused and terrified by their partner's emotional reaction. The unfaithful partner may experience a deep sense of loss regarding the person they cheated with, which can complicate their healing process. We call this 'affair fog'. Many unfaithful partners are surprised by the depth of love they feel for their partner after the affair is revealed. Radical transparency, including sharing calendars, location data, and device access, is recommended to eliminate secrets and rebuild trust.

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #5: Tell People Who Can Offer You Support

Go and visit a friend. Join our online Infidelity Support Community. Find a good Infidelity Recovery Specialist. Do not attempt surviving infidelity all alone.

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #6: Plan Your Time

Plan your first day. How are you going to live through this? Schedule appropriate down time, but don’t allow yourself to stay in bed crying all day, all week. The reality is that if you are in the process of surviving infidelity, you are in the middle of a war, whether you like it or not. You have no choice. You have just been invaded by a great enemy who is bound and determined to ruin your whole life. You are going to have to stand up and fight for your own survival. Do not let the enemy win. Fight to survive. So if you choose to allow yourself a down time, that’s okay. A time of grieving is quite appropriate after infidelity. Schedule your down time. Plan it. How long will you allow yourself to stay in bed? A day? Three days? A whole week is probably too long. Of course you may have times of crying daily for a while, but make it that, times of crying, not whole days in bed. Give yourself permission to mourn. Something has been stolen from you. You can never get it back. Something has been lost forever. You will never again be able to know that since your marriage you are the only one your husband/wife has ever been with. The most important promise, a vow, has been broken. Life will never be the same again. And it’s okay to cry about that. The loss of exclusivity can be deeply painful and is a form of grief. After a good cry, force yourself to get up, dress nicely and do something constructive every day. Be aware of your feelings and triggers. I know you don’t feel like it, but I’m cheering for you. I believe in you. You can conquer this great evil that seeks to destroy your entire existence. You’re surviving. Remember, healing and personal growth do not just happen, but require deliberate effort and time.

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #7: Educate Yourself About Affairs Through Reading

There are many helpful articles available on this website, and a list of helpful books on the Resources page.

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #8: Join our Beyond Affairs Online Support Group

You need all the support and perspective you can get from people who have been there and understand.

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #9: Counseling and Affair Recovery Coaching

This is a quality of life issue. Many people have found counseling to be an invaluable help. Seek professional support from a therapist or coach specializing in betrayal trauma after discovering infidelity. Finding a safe space where couples can communicate their thoughts and feelings without reservation after an affair is imperative. The best way to find a good counselor or coach is through referrals. If you don’t have one referred to you, you may have to resort to the google, or call our office. Just remember you don’t have to stay with a counselor or coach that you don’t like. If you find one is not helpful, don’t hesitate to look for another. They are not all the same. This is for you. Now more than ever go with what works for you. Drop what doesn’t work. It can also be a good idea to make an appointment with your medical doctor. Marriage counseling is a step some couples consider, but specialized affair recovery support may prove to be more effective. Open communication and reflective listening are important in your sessions, and rebuilding trust through open communication is essential. Couples are more likely to stay married after an affair when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation. Beyond Affairs offers support, coaching, seminars, and online and in-person programs to help individuals and couples heal from marital betrayal.

Surviving Infidelity Strategy #10: Laughter is Good Medicine

Watching a good comedy or spending time with someone who’s got the gift of humor can be invaluable. Recently I found humor in this woman’s honest sharing; Apparently her husband had to stop by her home to drop off a check which belonged to her. He is now living with the affair person. “Don’t you dare bring that other woman to our house,” Jane (not her real name) warned her husband. Jane’s concerned friends warned her, “Jane, you’ve got to be on your best behavior.” Jane seriously considered this advice. She considered what her best possible behavior would be if her husband brought this other woman to her home. Her ‘best behavior’ would be to go out there and smash their car in with a cane! (She is normally a gentle, quiet and calm lady.)

We are happy to announce that her husband heeded her warning and left the other woman in the car down the street.

A final word of advice: Stay strong and be brave.

Life is a continuous battle, but when an enemy strikes the hardest, it is no time for weakness. It’s a time to stand up and fight with everything that is within you. You can make it through this, but it will take time. Give yourself time.

By Anne Bercht

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