For most of us on any given day, we have the things that go right and the things that go wrong. Let’s face it! On most days, we experience many frustrations.

The same is actually true of our relationships and our healing.

There is no such thing as a perfect husband, nor a perfect wife. Your spouse is going to make mistakes, every single day. (And so are you!)

It’s interesting how when we first meet, when we are in the limerence stage of a relationship, our potential partner can do no wrong in our eyes. Sometimes friends and family may see some warning signs and love us enough to say so, but we override all their concerns with reasons why it doesn’t apply to us. As the saying goes, “love is blind.”

Of course, when you are on the rocky ground of affair recovery, the opposite is true. You see everything that is wrong with your spouse, your relationship, and yourself (sometimes). The slightest wrong can shove you over the mental cliff, where you are giving up, and talking yourself into a divorce.

Relationship skills can be learned. When you first learn a new skill, it also takes practice to get good at them. We have often spent years, spiraling our relationships into a negative ever worsening cycle of unhealthy habits, such as enabling, taking for granted, maintaining a child-centered relationship, avoiding difficult issues, fighting or withdrawing, and allowing a lot of immature responses without even realizing it.

The healing journey is one of learning and practicing good relationship skills.

You can’t just give someone who has never played baseball a bat, and then expect them to hit a home run during their first game, even if they have had good instructions, a great coach and have seen a demo by a pro. Instead, with practice and encouragement, and ongoing good input, they will have some good games, and some off games, but if they stay with it for a season, they can become a skilled player and consistently play well. The same is true of relationships skills.

If your partner has been a poor player for years, they are not going to instantly become a good player. And neither are you. If your partner has “played the game” poorly for years, you are also a part of that.

Success breeds more success. Don’t be critical. Instead, be wise. Learn what does a healthy relationship look like? Calmly, confidently and lovingly take a firm stand when your partner is in the wrong. For the most part, take a look at yourself. Ask yourself, “How have I contributed to the unhealthy ‘dance’ in our marriage?” “What would someone who is emotionally healthy do if they were treated in this way?” Take responsibility for yourself, so your spouse cannot point a finger of blame at you.

Ask yourself, what has my spouse done right since we began our recovery journey? Make it a goal to look for and focus on the good things they do. Thank them for what they do right. Smile.

With the Thanksgiving Holiday right around the corner, I just want to remind everyone, that many couples can have their biggest fights over the holidays. Expectations are high. So be on your guard. You have an unseen enemy who wants to split you apart. Aim to be above reproach, so your spouse can’t point a finger of blame at you. This forces them then to take responsibility for themselves.

Practice humility.

Look for the good in your partner. Be above reproach.

Brian & Anne Bercht