How do you get through Covid Thanksgiving while Surviving Betrayal?

A friend of mine recently shared a picture of some black party hats with the words, “Happy 2020,” adding, “I found these while unpacking my Christmas decorations. They now seem like props suitable for a horror movie.” Yes, indeed.

For most, it’s been a terrible year, dominated by the pandemic, unprecedented restrictions, and non-stop messages of fear. There has been death, destruction, rioting, fires, and earthquakes. People have lost their jobs, businesses and income. Suicides have been at an all-time high. Social distancing has kept us apart from each other, just when we need each other the most. Churches have been closed when the spiritual life that sustains us was most needed. As we wear our masks whenever we leave our homes, many feel distant, cut-off from and even fearful of others. The human smile that can do so much to brighten a dark day and lift a crushed spirit is now hidden from us. While we as people have always disagreed about this that and the other thing, currently it seems as though those differences have become polarized opposites, to the point that many have lost friendships over it – just when we need each other the most. We are hurting.

As a champion for families, it breaks my heart to see families divided by closed borders and restricted travel. (This one has personally affected us deeply. I am heartbroken over being separated from daughters, son-in-law’s and grandchildren.)

Covid Thanksgiving Upsides?

Yet for many there have also been wins. Staying home has meant more time with spouse and children. It has also meant a rest from busyness, a chance to pursue home projects and hobbies. For others the opposite is true. They have been busier scrambling to find new ways to make money, run their businesses and educate their children. Many parents are taxed beyond their capabilities. What is being required of them is not sustainable. With all of this comes great uncertainty. We find ourselves not in control, and best-laid plans are being thwarted.

As if all that is not enough, you are most likely reading this because you are either devastated by your spouse’s affair or dealing with the painful aftermath and repercussions of your own. Many betrayed spouse’s I’ve spoken with are dealing with an unrepentant spouse who has continued their lying and unfaithful behavior leading to unwanted divorce, and finding themselves approaching holidays, and all the responsibilities of home, children and career alone, without a partner. Others have a genuinely repentant spouse who is engaging in recovery, but are suffering with their anger and pain, as well as thier grief over lost dreams. And then Covid-19. It’s overwhelming.

Strategies to Survive Covid Thanksgiving while Surviving Betrayal

Count the things you can be thankful for. Is your spouse remorseful or forgiving? Are they willing to engage in our Healing from Affairs Online program? Do you have good friends? A good job, or a business that’s still thriving? Do you have a roof over your head? Food to eat? Your health? Good medical care? Great kids? Are you smart, sharp and wise? Are you educated? Are you, yourself a kind, caring and good person? Look for and write down every good thing that you can be grateful for in the midst of all this.

Tell yourself, you are going to be okay. It’s a good idea to coach and encourage yourself. Being okay, does not mean you aren’t going to suffer, because you probably will suffer, because suffering is actually part of life. Last time I checked no one makes it through this life without suffering. 

Find meaning in your suffering. This is how those who come through their grief and survive and thrive on the other side do it. Suffering produces perseverance in us, if we let it. Perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. We don’t know true joy until we’ve experienced genuine sorrow. Our suffering gives us a basis on which we can then empathize with and comfort to others. A friend of mine, Gayle Nash, often jokingly says, “If suffering produces character in me, then please just leave me the jerk that I am.” But in all seriousness, since we don’t have a choice about the suffering, it makes a lot of sense to choose to allow it to refine us and make us better. As I always say, “bitter or better? The choice is yours.” My closest friends are all people who have suffered, because those who haven’t lack the depth I long for and need in a good friend.

Reach out to find good support people. Good support people are people whom you feel better after you’ve spent time with them. They are people you know you can trust. They are also people who are not going to tell you what to do. Instead, they will support your own decision, whether that decision is to stay or to go. After all, they are not the ones who are going to live with the outcomes of the decisions you make at this time, so they should not be the ones making them.

If there is one thing I’ve learned on this journey, it’s that you don’t know what you are going to do, until you yourself are actually in that situation.

Define your standards. Ask yourself what kind of life you would like to have? What kind of man or woman has that kind of life? 

I desire a life surrounded by people who love and respect me, one with lots of laughter, and minimal conflict. What kind of a man/woman has a life like that? A forgiving and compassionate one, who takes the high road when faced with injustice. That man/woman is one who encourages others, is generous, and finds the good in life, when good is not around. He/she is a man/woman, who practices self-care, and is not afraid to say “no.” This is a man/woman who understands that he/she will never please everybody, so he/she doesn’t try. What concerns him/her most is doing what is right. This man/woman does not beat himself/herself up over and over again for his/her past sins. Instead, he/she does what is within his/her power to make amends, learn, and move forward sinning no more. He or she forgives him or herself. She/he is not a prisoner of the bad past, nor does he/she hold others a prisoner of their bad past. She/he does not allow him or herself to be mistreated again. 

These then become standards that guide my thoughts, words and actions. What about you? What standards will guide yours as you move forward into your future?

Invite God to help you. If you have faith, this would be a good time to deepen that faith. There is tremendous strength to be found by reaching out to God through prayer, meditation, scripture reading and listening to good teachers who teach truth. If you don’t have faith, but you’ve been thinking that maybe you would like to learn more about God, and how a relationship with God can bring you strength, peace, and clarity, I invite you to write to us. (info@beyondaffairs.com ) We would be happy to answer your questions and provide you with resources.

Socially Distanced Thanksgiving

One woman said to me that this socially distanced thanksgiving was a blessing, because she did not have to attend a large family gathering, put on a happy face, and figure out how to get through it when it was the last thing she felt like doing right now. If this is you, too, I encourage you to embrace it.

However, you choose to spend your Thanksgiving this year, I encourage you to give yourself the freedom to do what is right for you. Enjoy who you are with, even if that is only yourself. Choose to be joyful. Give thanks.