Dear Anne – Like your last newsletter question, I too, long for a deeper connection with my husband, but he seems happy with our marriage just the way it is. How can I get him to understand that I need a deeper connection with him and get him to change? How can I get my spouse to connect with me?

BE PERSISTENT – NEVER GIVE UP

Over the years, my own husband has called me “relentless.” He says this today with affection and appreciation. I am a soft, gentle and caring person. That said, I also know when to be strong, I never give up, and I am quite unwilling to settle for the status quo. These things together have been an advantage to our relationship, and I would encourage others to aim for this same balance.

What my husband means by relentless is not that I am argumentative, difficult or unyielding. He simply means that when things are not okay, I don’t settle for “this is as good as it gets.”

START WITH A POSITIVE, HONEST AND DIRECT CONVERSATION

If I see a problem in our relationship, I will initiate an honest conversation with my husband and request change. How such conversations are initiated is important. The goal is not to accuse the other person of being bad, but rather to talk about how you are feeling and what you desire.

Don’t say, “Why don’t you spend more time with me?” because this comes across as an accusation and invites a defensive response. The person on the receiving end usually feels criticized and tends to pull away instead of drawing closer. Instead say what you mean, “I would like to spend more time with you.” or “I would like to have a meaningful conversation with you. Don’t worry. Not about anything bad. I just love it when we talk, and I would like to do more of it.” Deliver your message as a request rather than a complaint.

IF CONVERSATION #1 DOESN’T WORK, DO IT AGAIN DIFFERENTLY

If the honest conversation is not received, I might regroup and seek advice from a counselor or a trusted friend, first to make sure I am not the one with unrealistic expectations. Secondly, to perhaps find a better way of presenting my needs and desires.

TRY AGAIN A 3rd TIME

If this does not work, I may find a book on the topic, and share passages from the book, or suggest that we read the book together. Also remember that one of the most powerful ways to communicate is through word pictures or analogies that the person receiving the message may be able to relate to.

SUGGEST COACHING, COUNSELING OR A SEMINAR

If this doesn’t work, I would recommend being honest about how you feel. “I am not happy in our marriage right now. It would mean so much to me if you would be willing to seek marital therapy, coaching or counseling together, or if we could attend a marriage seminar together. If I have meant anything to you over the years we’ve been together, would it not be worth your time to take one hour to see a counselor? If after the hour, you don’t feel a connection, I won’t ask again.”

Adjust your request to suit your situation. It’s understandable that many husbands and wives feel resistant to this kind of help. Ultimately it is up to the coach, therapist or educator to create a connection with your spouse, once you get them there. I recommend starting with small requests – one session rather than committing to a year. When your spouse feels the benefits, they will be interested in more.

EXAMINE YOUR OWN HEART – ARE YOU PLEASANT TO LIVE WITH?

Take a good look at yourself, and see if there are things you might do to connect with your spouse. Be happy in yourself, more energetic, smile more, give, and use humor. Check in on the way you look at your husband. Do you look at him with admiration and respect? Of course, it’s hard to feel admiration or respect towards someone who has been unfaithful or with whom you sense no effort to connect. I get that. But I would also do you a disservice if I didn’t mention the fact that connection is a two-way street. Sometimes it can be really helpful to “act” as though you have it, even when you don’t yet. We all have blind spots. It’s a good idea to look for your own, before you try to address your spouse’s. It’s also a good idea to go to individual counseling for yourself if your spouse isn’t willing to go with you.

BE STRONG ENOUGH TO LIVE ALONE

In marriage two halves do not make a whole. It has to be acknowledged that you do not have the power to change your spouse. Sometimes you can do everything right and they may still refuse to change. That said, many husbands and wives choose not to change before they are faced with the reality of losing their marriage. Therefore, if you are so needy that you feel unwilling to stand alone without the relationship, you have no posture and strength to stand for what you need in the relationship. If your spouse has a strong personality, it may take a strong stand to get your message through. There are no guarantees as to the choices of another human being, but generally speaking, relationships have a dance.

In order to motivate your spouse to change, you will likely need to change yourself. In 95% of marriages if you change in a positive way, your spouse will also change in a positive way. So analyze the “dance” or pattern in your relationship. What is your part in it? Then change your steps. Do something different.

We’ve found many marriages finally get the positive change they’ve been longing for when one spouse files for divorce (or demands a separation) and means it. Suddenly the other person who has been unreceptive to requests for change is desperate to do whatever it takes. Sadly, it’s often too late. That’s why I have a saying, “Draw your line … before you are really drawing your line.” Because it’s often this strong stand that is needed. And your spouse knows when you mean it and when you don’t. If you don't mean it, you are delivering a mere threat, and threats weaken a relationship. So work on being stronger in yourself, and break your own codependent patterns.