**Question: affair recovery**

Dear Anne – How can I make it through Valentine's Day? It's supposed to be a day about love, and all I can think of is how I am not loved.

**Answer: healing process**

I understand. It does hurt to think of Valentine's Day, when you are in the throes of affair recovery.

Some keys to surviving infidelity and Valentine's Day

Find your redeeming factors …

You may be at your lowest low, thinking things could not be worse. The fact is, they probably could be. And there is probably something in your life you can be grateful for. There is something in somebody else's story that makes you say, “Thank God that's not me.”

For example, I've had clients whose spouse called from a business trip overseas to announce to his wife that he was not coming home, and that he would be marrying a “friend” he met there, ON VALENTINE'S DAY! Since he was overseas, he didn't realize what day it was. Talk about a bad Valentine's Day!

In some cases the infidelity results in a child. In some cases the infidelity results in the innocent spouse having to contend with an STD for the rest of their lives. In some cases the infidelity is discovered after the cheating spouse dies, leaving no possibility of having your questions answered. The list goes on.

I'll never forget when I was leading a local BAN meeting a long time ago, a woman came whose story I thought was the worst. I've learned there are no “worst” stories. They are all bad.

This woman suffered from a chronic illness that required her on occasion to be hospitalized. After one of these hospital episodes, before she was released to come home, her husband came to see her saying, “I know you'll need a little extra care when you get home, and unfortunately I'm having to work extra hours, so I was thinking perhaps it would be best if you stayed at your mothers for a couple of weeks.” Sounds logical. So she did.

However, one day shortly after, unbeknownst to her husband, she decided to go to her house to get a few things. To her horror she found that none of HER belongings were left in her home. All her things had been moved out, and another woman's things had been moved in. She opened HER closet only to discover her own clothes were nowhere to be found, and HER closet was full of another woman's clothes!!!

Her husband, apparently the ultimate coward, was not even man enough to tell her the marriage was over. Upon hearing this I was so speechless I did not offer a single word of encouragement. That just sucked!

To my amazement she came back the following week, and told us all how BAN had helped her tremendously and she was doing a lot better this week. I was happy for her, but also perplexed. As far as I was concerned, her story was the worst.

“I'm happy for you, but I don't understand. How is it that you're feeling so much better?”

“Oh,” she replied, “because I realize how much better off than the rest of you, that I am.”

“Better off? Please explain.”

“Well, for example,” she went on, “many of you do not have the education, work experience, or skills needed to get a good job and take care of yourselves financially. I have a university education and can easily get a high paying job wherever I choose to live, so I am not financially dependent on my husband. Also most of you have children with your partners. My husband and I haven't had any children yet, so I am free to divorce my husband, find someone new, and start a family, and I can easily leave this past and hurt behind me!”

Brilliant! Instead of wallowing in what was wrong, this woman had found what was right. This woman teaches us all that there are always REDEEMING FACTORS. What are your redeeming factors? Write a list of things you can be thankful for in your life.

Some of you are sad today, because you feel unloved. Most of us feel deep down unlovable because of what our spouse has done to us. This is where we get stuck as the betrayed. We are sad, because we believe to be true things that are false.

Most people who engage in an extramarital affair never stop loving their spouse. Their action is unloving, but their heart has not stopped loving.

If you are the one who had the affair, perhaps you too now believe that because you have done this awful thing it makes you an unlovable person. It does not. Instead of focusing on who doesn't love you, or the bad things you've done, focus on being a loving person. If you will act lovingly, I assure you, you need not be afraid, because you will always have lots of love in your life.

Remember that whatever you focus on expands. If you focus on what is wrong in your life, you get more wrong. If you focus on what is right with your life, you get more right. So focus on whatever is good, true, noble, excellent or praiseworthy.

Focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. I developed a skill a long time ago that has served me well. Whenever I feel sad, wishing someone would do something loving for me (like call me, send me a card, praise me, buy me a gift, invite me out etc.), now I just do this loving thing for someone else instead of worrying that someone isn't doing it for me.

Therefore, I no longer live with fear, because I know I will always have lots of love in my life, because I am a loveable person, who does loving things for others, without expecting anything in return.

Apply these famous words on love to yourself (not your spouse):  

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

– 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

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Introduction to Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the most challenging experiences a relationship can face, often bringing deep pain and a whirlwind of emotional reactions for everyone involved. Whether it’s a physical affair or an emotional affair, the sense of betrayal can leave the hurt partner feeling lost, overwhelmed, and unsure of how to move forward. The initial shock of discovering an affair can feel all-consuming, sometimes even triggering symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder—such as anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and emotional numbness.

The healing process after infidelity, often called affair recovery, is rarely straightforward. It’s a journey that requires patience, honest communication, and a willingness from both partners to do the work necessary to rebuild trust and restore emotional well-being. For the betrayed partner, the pain caused by the unfaithful partner’s actions can feel like an all-consuming cloud of darkness, making it difficult to see a path forward. It’s important to remember that you are not alone—many couples have faced this deep pain and, with the right support, have found ways to heal.

Seeking support is a crucial step in the recovery process. Counseling with a skilled affair-recovery coach or therapist can provide a safe space to address communication breakdowns, explore underlying issues, and begin the process of healing both together and individually. The root causes for the infidelity may include marital vulnerabilities, such as a lack of physical intimacy or emotional connection as well as personal and environmental vulnerabilities. There tends to be many stacking contributing factors. Root causes are multiple and complex. It’s never simple or just one thing. Of course we can simplify and say it was just selfishness, and we would be correct, but there is more. Discovering and addressing these underlying causes openly and honestly can go a long way in not only healing, but making sure this never happens again in the marriage.

For the unfaithful partner, taking full responsibility for the affair and expressing genuine remorse is essential. The hurt spouse needs to know that their pain is fully heard and understood and that their partner is committed to making things right. Honest communication, empathy, and most importantly consistent changed behavior are key components of rebuilding trust.

The path forward after infidelity is unique for every couple. Some may feel stuck in the pain of the past, while others find hope in the possibility of a stronger, more resilient relationship. Healing takes time, and it’s normal to experience setbacks along the way. An 3-day intensive guided by experienced coaches, whether privately or in a safe group can help springboard a couples healing experience.

By seeking guidance from specialists, support groups, or trusted friends, and by focusing on constructive communication and personal growth, couples can move past the betrayal and begin to restore trust and emotional well-being.

Remember, the recovery process is not about forgetting what happened, but about learning, growing, and finding a way to move forward. With commitment, compassion, and the right guidance, it is possible to not only heal from infidelity but to emerge on the other side, stronger and more in love than before.

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