UNDISCLOSED AFFAIRS: 

“What if I’ve had an affair, but now I’ve ended it. I’m sorry for what I’ve done. Should I confess? I’m afraid it would just hurt my spouse unnecessarily. Since it’s over why tell? Won’t that just cause more harm than good?

ANSWER:

While a majority of our culture embraces an attitude regarding infidelity: "Never tell; if questioned, deny it; if caught, say as little as possible,” this philosophy is harmful. An undisclosed affair is like cancer in a marriage. Left untreated it will slowly kill the relationship, chipping away day-by-day at the souls of both betrayed and betrayer (even if the betrayed doesn’t know). Eventually, what was done in secret will come out into the light, and the betrayed will feel, “my whole marriage was a lie,” even if the affair ended years ago.

Honesty and truth are necessary foundations for trust, which is essential to the health of any relationship. Lies destroy trust.

WHAT CONSITUTUES A LIE?

Lying is not only willfully giving false information. It includes withholding relevant information.

We used to live in a town that borders Canada, and so we crossed often. There are a lot of rules including things you must declare when you cross, like a firearm for example. The border official will frequently ask, “do you have any firearms with you?” If a person has a firearm with them, and the border official does not ask that question, they will still be lying to the official, if they don’t declare it. If they get randomly pulled over for inspection after their declaration, they would be charged with breaking the law, because they did not declare the firearm. The fact that the official didn’t ask is not relevant. They lied by withholding relevant information.

Just about every unfaithful spouse says at some point, “I wasn’t lying because you didn’t ask that question.” When my own husband initially said this, I responded, “Fine. I will be happy to make a list of a thousand relevant questions to go through at the end of every day, or we can agree that withholding relevant information is a lie.” He chose the latter.

An unconfessed affair is a lie in the marriage. It eats away at the very fabric of trust. What will you do if the question gets asked directly? Lie directly? In addition, you will find that having this lie between you makes you uncomfortable when the topic of affairs come up, and it does come up, because it’s a sadly common sickness of our society. TV shows, music, books, and advertisements are wrought with affair messages.

MOTIVES MATTER

Genuine motives behind our actions and words tend to have the greatest impact on the outcome; good or bad. When we consider should I or should I not do this or that, we would be wise to examine our own motives. Initially the betrayer says that they don’t want to tell their innocent spouse about their affairs because they don’t want to hurt them. But is this really the reason? While there is usually some truth in their desire not to hurt their spouse, the greater truth is that they desire not to hurt themselves. They fear the fallout of disclosure, the wrath of their spouse, the shame, and the possibility of divorce and exposure.

IS NOT KNOWING REALLY BETTER FOR THE BETRAYED SPOUSE?

As someone who has helped thousands through the pain of betrayal over the past twenty plus years, I can honestly tell you that sometimes, some betrayed spouses in the traumatic aftermath say, “I wish I never knew.” These, however, are a small minority. The majority want the truth. And after time has passed, ALL are grateful for truth.

An affair is an injustice – a crime against the marriage. Since this is true, it is an even further injustice to leave the choice of whether or not the marriage stays intact after infidelity solely to the person who acted unfaithfully. By deciding that the injured spouse does not have the right to know about their injury, we are further violating them by taking away their choice of whether or not they choose to be in a marriage after their spouse has been unfaithful.

One of the biggest reasons why disclosure of infidelity is essential is because an unconfessed affair results in a lack of staying power with regards to the commitment of the unfaithful person to remain faithful. They have avoided negative consequences from their bad behavior, and there remains a lack of accountability. The root causes for the unfaithful behavior remain unaddressed. There is no real discovery about why they acted unfaithfully in the first place.

REASONS FOR AFFAIRS AND HOW TO PREVENT THEM

The unfaithful tend to cite ways that the faithful spouse failed to meet their needs as the reasons for their infidelity. Sometimes these reasons have merit, and other times they are distortions in the unfaithful partners thinking, which gave them justification. In most cases had they been investing the effort they put into their affairs into their marriages, they could’ve had the “feelings” they may have had in their affairs in their marriages instead. They could’ve actually had their cake and eaten it too, meaning have fulfillment and faithfulness. By withholding the confession, we withhold the true healing journey, which includes insight from the faithful spouse. Therefore, an affair is likely to reoccur. If promises and willpower alone could keep people faithful, the wedding vows would’ve been sufficient the first time.

The most lingering fear I personally experienced in my own recovery was not that my husband might have another affair, but rather that he might have another affair and that I might never know – that I would forever remain the only fool in town who didn’t know my husband was cheating, that my choice to stay or go would be stolen from me, and that even if my husband sought the help of an esteemed and highly credentialed expert that “expert” might violate my rights by counseling my husband not to tell me. My greatest fear was everyone else, except me, making a decision about what was right for me, and what I can and cannot handle!

UNDISCLOSED AFFAIRS - THE MOST DIFFICULT CASES

The most difficult cases I’ve personally counselled are the betrayed spouses who find out about their husbands’ affairs after their husband dies. This is the most painful situation because there is no opportunity to get answers to their questions – to deal with not only the grief of the loss, but also the grief over finding out your marriage is a lie, because that’s how the betrayed spouse sees it. It is the ultimate wimp of a man or woman who leaves a legacy of unconfessed infidelity behind them. What is done in secret will one day be exposed.

Take the wife, whose husband’s affair person thought it would be “nice” to tell the wife all about how she had been having an affair with her husband at the funeral. Yes, that happened.

WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER IF AN AFFAIR IS DISCLOSED MANY YEARS AFTER THE FACT?

One might think it won’t be as hard for the betrayed to deal with if disclosure of an affair comes years after the unfaithful behavior has ended. The opposite is generally true. The more days, months, years between the time of an affair and disclosure, the more difficult and painful it becomes. The betrayed begins their healing on the day they find out, even if it’s thirty or forty years later. They consider the time between the ending of the affair and disclosure to all be a betrayal. They resent the fact that their choice to stay or go had been stolen from them. And it is difficult to get answers to their many questions because details have often been forgotten by the betrayer.

UNDISCLOSED AFFAIRS ROB THE COUPLE OF A BETTER MARRIAGE

The biggest reason why it’s important to disclose affairs is because undisclosed affairs rob the couple of true healing and of the better relationship on the other side – which is only possible when the truth is out on the table. Of course, this is not guaranteed. Some betrayed spouses will choose divorce, and frankly, this is their right when the wedding vows have been broken.

Undisclosed affairs serve only to promote infidelity in our culture. In the end, the “code of silence” leads to greater pain, a greater number of broken families, and it promotes generational patterns of infidelity. Where affairs remain undisclosed, ironically, the children from those families are more likely to repeat the patterns of their parents. Truth, while often painful at first, leads to freedom.

There is a saying “once a cheater always a cheater.” This probability of repeat affairs is much higher when they remain undisclosed. Confession is hard initially, but it is also the path to freedom. We encourage those who have acted unfaithfully and wish to be free to reach out for help before disclosure. It’s important to tell the truth, and at the same time, consider the timing and method. Disclose for the right reasons with love. Disclosure does not give license for the unfaithful to subject their spouse to a painful verbal vomit that serves only to purge the unfaithful of their guilt.